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Friday, July 1, 2011

I. Am back.

And I'm confused. I was doing well. Then I stopped taking my meds and I moved out and started drinking and starving and smoking weed of all things, and prostituting again.

So....I'm back to where I was.

I got out of the hospital simply because I'm a good actress. This time. But I find it a lot easier to say that this....disorder....this particular eating disorder, is a lifestyle. I find it much easier to say than I can't stop.

I can't stop this....curse. The starving, the crying at night, the insomnia and purging...I can't stop.

In other words, why is "pro-ana" such a secret society? It's time we came out into the light. I mean, jesus, we're not vampires. I know how to do it. I will be the first person off the bus, the one who takes the bullet.

I'm writing a book. Not this bullshit recovery book that I only had fun writing when I was writing about my disorder. No. I'm going to write, essentially, the pro ana bible.

Quotes. workout routines. diets. book lists. music lists. debates in favor of pro ana. prayers. letters. thinspiration. Interviews. Conversations. Tweets. movies. straight up rants. The whole. deal. oh, and there WILL be numbers. And there WILL be hell to pay, that I will catch.

Because I am not ill. I'm in control. It's extremely easy to starve, to not eat a single calorie for 12 days. To swallow your pride and cry until daddy lets you squeeze that thirteenth day in because he's been out of town and thinks this is a one time thing.

comments? questions? thoughts? .....concerns?

1 comment:

  1. I have to adamantly disagree with you. You are sick and you are NOT in control. You may think you are, but eating disorders are out of control. And eventually, you will realize that the ED is controlling you, not the other way around. You will HAVE TO starve, because if you don't, bad things will happen. If you don't purge, you will DEFINITELY gain 10 pounds by tomorrow. This is not living; this is having your life controlled. I hope you realize this soon, because you seem like a very nice girl, and I don't want to see you get hurt.

    Please don't share the pro-ana bible if you write it. It will only make more people sick, and other people sicker.

    On that note, I just want to say that even though I don't know you, I care about you and I don't want to see you hurt yourself. Please consider the people who love you when you do this.