more pics of me--mostly pre recovery

 Using a Sari to show my friend what a hijab is. XD

 I look good with red hair!

 not so much with blonde...

pre recovery

name one person that you really miss

Jazz. For those of you who don't know, Jasmine was my girlfriend until we got into a fight, and she went out and got wasted and died in a car accident. It's been a little over a year now, and I still want her back.

Ask me anything

if you had one wish what would it be

I wish to be confident, and beautiful, and loved. I wish to be skinny and dying and the center of attention and a great doctor and famous and rich. But if I only had one wish? I'd wish that my little sister have everything she wanted in life.

Ask me anything

I was wondering why I didn't have any comments....

....then I realized I haven't posted. Sorry!

So the guy I prostituted with got mad cause he went all stalker on me and found this blog. Oh well. And THEN I told my therapist and she told me I had a 'pact' with her to not do it again. This is what I said:
"You do realize I've broken just about every pact we've had so far, right?"

She went on about how I need to find a girl/guy my age and just go out for coffee or something. What the hell? And also how I haven't ever had a real relationship and maybe, if I have one I wouldn't be so messed up.

Well, for that to happen, it would require someone to LOVE ME. And I, in turn, would have to LOVE THEM BACK. I don't see any possibilities for either of those happening.

On the eating front: Without my double life, I have anxiety again. I realize once again that I'm horribly fat and should stop eating until I die. Sigh. I'll post more later, I promise, but right now I'm depressed because my psychiatrist reminded me that I am unworthy of real love.

My book

is available, apparantly, in europe. huh. Who would have thought? This isn't the recovery one I may have talked about, but a teen novel that more or less lightly touched on anorexia. Just thought I'd check in with that.

results

So I actually made $150 for just a blow job. He's kinda small, which I can handle. I mean, I wasn't choking on it or anything. And I don't have to see him for another two or three weeks, so I have a chance to prepare myself for ACTUAL sex.

Anyway...what should I buy with my new cash? I'm thinking save it up for another year of college.

real life thinspo and reverse thinspo

So I'm meeting my client today, but I'm on my period so only oral for him. It's about fifty dollars and maybe a free lunch. It's cool how since this started I don't freak out about eating. I still weigh and measure myself every day, but it's good to know some people (even old married men) find me 'sexy'.

Thank you all for the comments. And anonymous, I have considered an escort agency, but there aren't any in el paso.

To all the others: Thank you for caring about me so much. I love you guys. Now on to my actual post.

 ^ My friend brittany

 Some chick waiting for the bus

 haha from my text book

 A family of four consumes about three hundred pounds of fat in a year. Enough for this guy to make a big ass pig!

 ^ taylor swift

 ^ megan fox

 ^ heidi klum

 ^ a girl leaving the class before mine started

 ^ aguy in my english class

 fat chick on the bus

 YOUNG fat chick on the bus

 people leaving the library

 a girl I saw while waiting for the bus. There's another that you can see all her bones, but I keep missing her and she moves too fast for a picture.

 wow. lots of fat people take the bus, huh?

 girl at the transfer station

 This chick just wouldn't stop eating! Seriously? It was disgusting!

 me. :/

and finally, a chick so fat she needs a wheelchair.

news from the prostitute

So I have, officially, a "sugar daddy". He's coming in tomorrow to see me and take me out to lunch. I'm going to make a wishlist of things he can buy me. I'll see about getting an "allowance", and hey. If it doesn't work out? I'll find another one.

I love this! I'm feeling WAY more confident in my body now.


The downside: He's, like, 48 years old. A cute, sweet, family (yes, he's married) kind of 48, but still....what do you guys think? Should I go on?

flashbacks

I hate remembering. I hate feeling like, if I had just stayed away from him, if I had just taken the sexual harassment as a warning, maybe it wouldn't have happened.

Maybe if I had called the police, he would be suffering like I want him to.

I remember the sound of the truck doors locking. the little secluded place in the desert where no one could hear or see me. The clothes I can't stand to wear.

The screaming. God, the screaming. Not him, me. And when I screamed too loud or too long, the choking. The ripping of tights, that SMELL.


I hate remembering. God, please let me starve away all my memories.

Face in Hole. Or, A Girl can Dream.

some faceinhole.com pics I made. What's your favorite?

the promised pictures.

So, this is me from before recovery:

And (avert your eyes!) this is me after recovery. (have I mentioned I hate myself?)

I'm so fat. >< And yes, those are mega deep scars on my arms. I'll post progress pics at 130 pounds.

question

why is it so dead on blogger? I feel so alone out here. Maybe you only comment on weekdays?

I need money. (edited)

As soon as I'm thin enough, I'm going to whore myself out on the internet. Because, ladies, there is this huge thing where I'm not allowed to get a job because of something stupid I did at my last job. I'm not eligible for rehire, and thus can't make money on my own.

So I'm gonna be a prostitute. Probably starting late april, open to girls and boys. If you know someone who's interested, send them on over.


GOD I am so depressed right now. T_T


EDIT: I feel better now, got some diet coke. I'm excited for this! It's more reason to lose weight, right? And do some MAJOR crunches. I'm gonna be beautiful AND get money for it. I'm gonna see if I can't get some practice on some horny teenagers while I'm still fat though. I know this guy who's almost like my stalker.

My pay rate will be low at first, a pack for lap dance and such, but two or three packs for anything sexual. Hard cash for going all the way. I'm thinking...fifty bucks? I'll post a picture (it'll burn your eyes!) later and let you guys decide. Then I'll start putting progress pics.


However, most of my money is going towards paying off debt. Only like 15 bucks, but out of twenty? It'll be a while before I get some sexy lingerie.

eh...

I'm fighting a headache and the munchies. You know, I'm almost at the point where I just want to eat whatever the hell I want and not care. But then I'll just gain even more. Damn scale...I hate it.

I might post more later, but I'm damn near exhausted.

hello again

so it feel like I haven't been on for a while. And I miss all your lovely comments, so I'm posting more. :)

STILL 142. I was 143 yesterday, so I guess 142 is good. My god, what has recovery done to me?

Recovery is a very personal choice. I can't tell you to do or not do it. But I did it, and it was the WRONG choice for me.

lucky me

I think I'm getting my period soon. Either that, or these diet pills are having some weird side effects. Anyway, I'm now going to my therapist about once a week. My father yelled at me for this, saying that I should just find a friend if I need a "buddy" to talk to. He doesn't know the half of it. I want to stop purging and cutting and smoking. I need help for that.

Also, I'm not going to eat. period. They can do whatever they want--kick me out, take away my computer, take away my tv and phone--I don't care. I'm not eating. period. I'm sick of hiding it and not seeing the scale move at ALL.

It was so much easier before recovery. Now I'm plateued at my starting weight, which sucks. Support, please? Your comments really do make me feel better.

ugh...

my insides are burning. I might actually vomit without meaning to. All this, probably, because of food. Food is evil. Ew. Okay, thinking about food only makes me more nauseous.

Anyway, sorry about the last few posts. I deleted them. Probably a good thing, anyway. I tried blogging from my phone but it didn't work. I don't know what the hell happened. It was sounding like an angry, drunken post anyway. oh well.

I'm going to lay down and if I don't feel better I'll purge and if that still doesn't work, I'll lay down and feel like I might die tonight.

300 calories today.

So I'm slowly but surely getting more followers. This is a good thing. :)

300 calories today, so the plan is:
1) Half of a meal replacement bar when I get hungry this morning,
2) three full cups of water before my next 'meal',
3) the second half of the bar around 2 pm, (total 170 calories)
4)three more glasses of water,
5) small dinner

so far, so good.

Day two of the abc diet. So far, I've had two hundred calories (four bites of a chocolate glazed donut--I hope to god I'm overestimating) I had two bites before I realized what I was doing. My dad was still in the room though, so I had to pretend that I liked it. I waited until he went into the dining room to throw it away.

I've invested in special K meal replacement bars (170 cals each) and orville redenbocker's 100 calorie popcorn, so I have something to snack on once we run out of apples. My dad's cooking curry tonight...I guess it's healthy enough. I'll eat around the beef and take minimal rice.

Exercise wise:
Yesterday I did 100 side leg lifts, 100 backwards leg lifts, 100 front lef lifts, 100 situps.
Today: 200 situps so far.

I wanted to have another donut, but I killed the craving with a cigarette and the situps, so good.

thinspo pictures--movie inspired