Everyone seems to have resolutions this year, so why not me?
1. get down to 120 pounds. no more, no less.
2. read at least 24 books.
3. make lots of money
4. publish 2 to 3 more books.
5. get on the ellen show.
6. move out an prosper on my own.
7. get a 3.7 gpa in school
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
a post from february 18, 2010
"6 AM: Mother wakes me up, slams the door.
6 10: I am in my closet, close to tears because I know I've gained, I just know it.
6 15: My clothes are picked. A pretty shirt that used to be a bit loose, jeans that are usually quite loose, and a paper-thin see through jacket that will just barely cover up the scars from last night.
6 20: After standing at my door, hand on the knob, I brave the bathroom and its ominous billboard sized mirror.
6 22: I brave the mirror, last night's clothes are off. My right hand passes over my left arm, starting at a long-healed scar on the wrist, past a few shallow recently healed ones further up. Over the one I made in the crook of my elbow, and gently over the ten leading up my shoulder. Those aren't near healed. My hand goes closer to my neck--the skin is more fragile here and tears easily. That's why the scars are 'softer'. They're only deeper and haven't healed completely. My hand goes down from my neck to my chest, over the cross shaped scar that passes over my heart.
6 25: I look at my body. Fat. Blobby. Jiggles. Disgusting. Failure.
6 26: I weigh myself. Up two pounds. Damn.
6 28: My clothes aren't loose. I have to unbutton my jeans to get them on. My shirt rides up.
6 30: Today is a makeup day. I straighten my short hair and put on some lipstick and a good necklace. Anything to take the attention away from my stomach.
6 35: I stay in my room and read.
7 15: I go to my closet, take out two cigarettes from my stash, and put them in my bag. I go downstairs and run in to my dad. "Have a good day" he says. I doubt it. I leave the house, and light up once I'm out of eye sight.
12:00: Flash forward to lunch. I skipped breakfast, and class was boring. No one at my table is eating yet. They wait for the lines to get smaller. I nibble on a piece of pear and talk a lot. I smash my apples into a kid's forehead next to me, because he touched my phone. A food fight ensues.
Class: English. My crush. My scars. Oh dear.
Home: I go to the computer. After a while I get up again, go up to my room to grab a cigarette, and smoke it outside. I go down to the dollar store, buy some ice cream. The whole time I'm saying, "this is a bad idea"
5:00: I eat the ice cream, poor some habanero sauce into last night's pasta and eat that too.
5:15: Purge. purge. purge.
5:45: done purging. Sister comes home. I get back on computer."
6 10: I am in my closet, close to tears because I know I've gained, I just know it.
6 15: My clothes are picked. A pretty shirt that used to be a bit loose, jeans that are usually quite loose, and a paper-thin see through jacket that will just barely cover up the scars from last night.
6 20: After standing at my door, hand on the knob, I brave the bathroom and its ominous billboard sized mirror.
6 22: I brave the mirror, last night's clothes are off. My right hand passes over my left arm, starting at a long-healed scar on the wrist, past a few shallow recently healed ones further up. Over the one I made in the crook of my elbow, and gently over the ten leading up my shoulder. Those aren't near healed. My hand goes closer to my neck--the skin is more fragile here and tears easily. That's why the scars are 'softer'. They're only deeper and haven't healed completely. My hand goes down from my neck to my chest, over the cross shaped scar that passes over my heart.
6 25: I look at my body. Fat. Blobby. Jiggles. Disgusting. Failure.
6 26: I weigh myself. Up two pounds. Damn.
6 28: My clothes aren't loose. I have to unbutton my jeans to get them on. My shirt rides up.
6 30: Today is a makeup day. I straighten my short hair and put on some lipstick and a good necklace. Anything to take the attention away from my stomach.
6 35: I stay in my room and read.
7 15: I go to my closet, take out two cigarettes from my stash, and put them in my bag. I go downstairs and run in to my dad. "Have a good day" he says. I doubt it. I leave the house, and light up once I'm out of eye sight.
12:00: Flash forward to lunch. I skipped breakfast, and class was boring. No one at my table is eating yet. They wait for the lines to get smaller. I nibble on a piece of pear and talk a lot. I smash my apples into a kid's forehead next to me, because he touched my phone. A food fight ensues.
Class: English. My crush. My scars. Oh dear.
Home: I go to the computer. After a while I get up again, go up to my room to grab a cigarette, and smoke it outside. I go down to the dollar store, buy some ice cream. The whole time I'm saying, "this is a bad idea"
5:00: I eat the ice cream, poor some habanero sauce into last night's pasta and eat that too.
5:15: Purge. purge. purge.
5:45: done purging. Sister comes home. I get back on computer."
Sunday, December 26, 2010
So.
14 followers, I might as well post, right?
This is what I'm thinking. I'm fat. I'm now, officially, 158 pounds. How did I allow it to get this bad? I'm not going to b/p. Thanks to dylphe for her inspiring message (and potent use of the word 'bitch'.)
I'm going to slyly cut down on what I eat. And if my parents give me grief about it? Well. What can they do?
It's so liberating for my eating disorder to not be a secret anymore. They know. so what? What are they going to do about it? Take away my phone? computer? Stop paying for college? kick me out? Anything for thin. I don't care.
Even if they throw me back into the hospital, I don't care. Although I need to lose at least 30 pounds before I go there. I clocked in at 115 when I left last time.
This is what I'm thinking. I'm fat. I'm now, officially, 158 pounds. How did I allow it to get this bad? I'm not going to b/p. Thanks to dylphe for her inspiring message (and potent use of the word 'bitch'.)
I'm going to slyly cut down on what I eat. And if my parents give me grief about it? Well. What can they do?
It's so liberating for my eating disorder to not be a secret anymore. They know. so what? What are they going to do about it? Take away my phone? computer? Stop paying for college? kick me out? Anything for thin. I don't care.
Even if they throw me back into the hospital, I don't care. Although I need to lose at least 30 pounds before I go there. I clocked in at 115 when I left last time.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
follow up
Alright, then. I survived. And I'm still fat. But instead of working so hard at recovery only to resort to mia later, I'm gonna go slightly ana so I feel a bit more control. I'm going to ease myself out of this disorder instead of trying to go cold turkey.
damn barrett's esophagus though...I hate it.
and thank you all for your kind comments. Dylphe, I love you. but nothing could have prevented it.
and portraying taylor, I totally understand.
damn barrett's esophagus though...I hate it.
and thank you all for your kind comments. Dylphe, I love you. but nothing could have prevented it.
and portraying taylor, I totally understand.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
so close to recovery
sloppy joes tonight. empty house. to purge, or not to purge?
fuck it.
Heart, I'm sorry in advance.
fuck it.
Heart, I'm sorry in advance.
Monday, December 13, 2010
turning dreams into goals
So. remember that dream future I posted before? I'm going to work at making that dream a reality.
In the future, I will look good in anything I wear. How? Confidence. I will love my body no matter what size it is.
My best outfit will be a purple blazer and black pants, about um....let's say $250 for a real fancy one?
and I can get away with wearing hand painted shoes that don't match. This one's easy. just plain old shoes and some paint. :)
I will know portion control and I will not purge or deny myself anything. these portion pals actually look interesting. I might try them out.
I will not smoke, hmm....well, for 30 days I will use the indoor treadmill instead of walking outside, so I have less chance of coming across a cigarette I want to smoke. Also, I have no school, so there will be no one I can bum off of.
and my favorite drink will be 0 calorie flavored water. mmm I love the third one here, wildberry splash. Delicious!
I will have a customized jeep. It'll be custom painted with my book art on it.
and at least three published books.
I will own my own practice,
along with the building that holds my offices.
I will use art therapy and learn a lot about my patients. because art therapy really helped me in the hospital.
I will be able to relate to my patients,
and I will make a big difference in the world.
I'll have a big house by the beach. Yeah, this is a hotel. I'm gonna buy a hotel and turn it into a house.
and a dog that doesn't shed.
I will only drink alcohol socially.
At the end of every year I will hold a banquet in my ballroom for my office staff and the group therapy patients.
I will come home at 6PM and work out for half an hour to an hour ONLY.
Oh, and money. I'll be a registered dietitian as well as a licensed therapist
And once a week I'll go to the beach and just...think, you know? Think about how far I've come and how proud I am of myself.
In the future, I will look good in anything I wear. How? Confidence. I will love my body no matter what size it is.
and at least three published books.
along with the building that holds my offices.
I will use art therapy and learn a lot about my patients. because art therapy really helped me in the hospital.
and I will make a big difference in the world.
I'll have a big house by the beach. Yeah, this is a hotel. I'm gonna buy a hotel and turn it into a house.
I will only drink alcohol socially.
At the end of every year I will hold a banquet in my ballroom for my office staff and the group therapy patients.
Oh, and money. I'll be a registered dietitian as well as a licensed therapist
And once a week I'll go to the beach and just...think, you know? Think about how far I've come and how proud I am of myself.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A happy post for dylphe.
Because she's so stressed out and needs some good news.
Things are finally starting to look up. I'm glad I'm in college, because the eight hours a day at high school would not have been good for me. Now I have time to work out at my own pace and meditate. My mother took me out to mcdonald's yesterday, but I'm glad I saved calories for dinner because I was still under my daily intake. *trying* to work out using various wheeled objects helped too. I fell on my ass so much I decided walking is just fine for me.
I'm at school right now waiting for the dean to approve my form so I can skip the last remedial english class and go straight into something that will count towards my degree.
And good news! I managed to get my schedule so I have an AA instead of an AS. That means easier math and science for me! And I don't have to face pre cal EVER again.
yesterday I was feeling hungry. like actual hunger, but instead of binging like I normally would, I had a tomato and my hunger was sated. I'm so proud of myself. :)
The bittersweet news is I got my period. It's good because it explains the cramps and shit I was feeling yesterday, but bad because there's no such thing as a happy period. screw the always ads.
mmm I don't think there's anything else. But I'll check in again if there is.
Things are finally starting to look up. I'm glad I'm in college, because the eight hours a day at high school would not have been good for me. Now I have time to work out at my own pace and meditate. My mother took me out to mcdonald's yesterday, but I'm glad I saved calories for dinner because I was still under my daily intake. *trying* to work out using various wheeled objects helped too. I fell on my ass so much I decided walking is just fine for me.
I'm at school right now waiting for the dean to approve my form so I can skip the last remedial english class and go straight into something that will count towards my degree.
And good news! I managed to get my schedule so I have an AA instead of an AS. That means easier math and science for me! And I don't have to face pre cal EVER again.
yesterday I was feeling hungry. like actual hunger, but instead of binging like I normally would, I had a tomato and my hunger was sated. I'm so proud of myself. :)
The bittersweet news is I got my period. It's good because it explains the cramps and shit I was feeling yesterday, but bad because there's no such thing as a happy period. screw the always ads.
mmm I don't think there's anything else. But I'll check in again if there is.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
confessions of a reformed bulimic
So many posts ago I posted a rough story of my past, of how I got here. This is where I am now.
When I got out the hospital, I had an heart complications, low potassium, and barrett's esophagus. After I was well again and in recovery, I relapsed. My very first purge my body went into freak out mode. My heart immediately started going irregular and I couldn't stop shaking. And now I'm scared to death of being sick because my body can't tell the difference between a purge and being unintentionally sick.
The next time I throw up, I could die.
It kinda scares me. Only because I'm no longer suicidal and I've actually made some friends here and in real life that might care if I die.
Oh, and by the way, read Dylphe's blog. It's awesome and she's a really good friend.
When I got out the hospital, I had an heart complications, low potassium, and barrett's esophagus. After I was well again and in recovery, I relapsed. My very first purge my body went into freak out mode. My heart immediately started going irregular and I couldn't stop shaking. And now I'm scared to death of being sick because my body can't tell the difference between a purge and being unintentionally sick.
The next time I throw up, I could die.
It kinda scares me. Only because I'm no longer suicidal and I've actually made some friends here and in real life that might care if I die.
Oh, and by the way, read Dylphe's blog. It's awesome and she's a really good friend.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Reply to comments
dearest dylphe: Awwh, you're so sweet! It's nice to know someone cares about my safety.
dear anonymous: There are copays in america. my therapy, which would be 165 an hour, is actually about 20 dollars with a copay. That, along with my insurance matching what I pay once I meet a certain amount spent. For the last seven sessions, I have had to pay nothing for my therapy.
dear anonymous: There are copays in america. my therapy, which would be 165 an hour, is actually about 20 dollars with a copay. That, along with my insurance matching what I pay once I meet a certain amount spent. For the last seven sessions, I have had to pay nothing for my therapy.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
dreams of the future and dear blanks.
So lately, every night before I go to bed I imagine what the perfect future for me would be. It makes me smile. So when I have a bad day or pms or bdd, I just imagine the perfect future and everything seems a bit better.
So here it is.
In the future, I will look good in anything I wear. Even if I look like that fat chick from drop dead gorgeous, I will rock that look. My best outfit will be a purple blazer and black pants, and I can get away with wearing hand painted shoes that don't match. I will know portion control and I will not purge or deny myself anything. I will not smoke, and my favorite drink will be 0 calorie flavored water.
I will have a customized jeep and at least three published books. I will own my own practice, along with the building that holds my offices. I will use art therapy and learn a lot about my patients.
I will be able to relate to my patients, and I will make a big difference in the world.
I'll have a big house by the beach and a dog that doesn't shed. I will only drink alcohol socially. At the end of every year I will hold a banquet in my ballroom for my office staff and the group therapy patients.
I will come home at 6PM and work out for half an hour to an hour ONLY.
Oh, and money. I'll be a registered dietitian as well as a licensed therapist so I'll charge about 200 dollars an hour. working from 8 to 5:30, that's...1600 a day! Take out about 300 to pay my nurses. But still, that's pretty awesome.
And once a week I'll go to the beach and just...think, you know? Think about how far I've come and how proud I am of myself.
What's your dream future?
Oh and dear blanks! A couple of my favorites:
Sincerely, Rejected.
Sincerely, an American Muslim.
Sincerely, the Mayans.
Sincerely, your lazy daughter.
Sincerely, Terrified.
Sincerely, your OCD student.
So here it is.
In the future, I will look good in anything I wear. Even if I look like that fat chick from drop dead gorgeous, I will rock that look. My best outfit will be a purple blazer and black pants, and I can get away with wearing hand painted shoes that don't match. I will know portion control and I will not purge or deny myself anything. I will not smoke, and my favorite drink will be 0 calorie flavored water.
I will have a customized jeep and at least three published books. I will own my own practice, along with the building that holds my offices. I will use art therapy and learn a lot about my patients.
I will be able to relate to my patients, and I will make a big difference in the world.
I'll have a big house by the beach and a dog that doesn't shed. I will only drink alcohol socially. At the end of every year I will hold a banquet in my ballroom for my office staff and the group therapy patients.
I will come home at 6PM and work out for half an hour to an hour ONLY.
Oh, and money. I'll be a registered dietitian as well as a licensed therapist so I'll charge about 200 dollars an hour. working from 8 to 5:30, that's...1600 a day! Take out about 300 to pay my nurses. But still, that's pretty awesome.
And once a week I'll go to the beach and just...think, you know? Think about how far I've come and how proud I am of myself.
What's your dream future?
Oh and dear blanks! A couple of my favorites:
Dear Stanford,
That's OK. I like Community College better anyway... :(
Dear Crazy People,
I'm not going to blow this grocery store up, I just need some salad.
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy...
Dear dad,
It's not 'disobedience,' it's 'delayed obedience.'
Dear giant spider on my wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Dear teacher who is erasing the board,
You missed a spot!
So. 25 truths.
math is stupid.
I'm fat.
Taylor swift is awesome.
everyone looks better than I do.
don't worry, the next post will be happier.
diet dr. pepper is the best.
even better is flavored 0 calorie water, which doesn't expand your stomach.
the person I love has major depression and refuses to get help.
I'm very proud of my published book, and I'm working on getting another published.
psychology is going great!
Math...not so much.
History is so-so.
English should be fine.
I have tons of homework to do.
Donuts will be the death of me.
I like old country better.
Like Kerosene, vs. House that made me.
Or You Save me vs. Boys of Fall.
I wonder how Reba manages to stay looking so good.
Seriously, she's never been fat.
I'm a sucker for redheads.
I want a girlfriend.
Like, right now. I want someone to love.
Oh! And I stopped prostituting.
Thanksgiving was fine, but christmas scares the bejeezus out of me.
I'm fat.
Taylor swift is awesome.
everyone looks better than I do.
don't worry, the next post will be happier.
diet dr. pepper is the best.
even better is flavored 0 calorie water, which doesn't expand your stomach.
the person I love has major depression and refuses to get help.
I'm very proud of my published book, and I'm working on getting another published.
psychology is going great!
Math...not so much.
History is so-so.
English should be fine.
I have tons of homework to do.
Donuts will be the death of me.
I like old country better.
Like Kerosene, vs. House that made me.
Or You Save me vs. Boys of Fall.
I wonder how Reba manages to stay looking so good.
Seriously, she's never been fat.
I'm a sucker for redheads.
I want a girlfriend.
Like, right now. I want someone to love.
Oh! And I stopped prostituting.
Thanksgiving was fine, but christmas scares the bejeezus out of me.
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