Everyone seems to have resolutions this year, so why not me?
1. get down to 120 pounds. no more, no less.
2. read at least 24 books.
3. make lots of money
4. publish 2 to 3 more books.
5. get on the ellen show.
6. move out an prosper on my own.
7. get a 3.7 gpa in school
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
a post from february 18, 2010
"6 AM: Mother wakes me up, slams the door.
6 10: I am in my closet, close to tears because I know I've gained, I just know it.
6 15: My clothes are picked. A pretty shirt that used to be a bit loose, jeans that are usually quite loose, and a paper-thin see through jacket that will just barely cover up the scars from last night.
6 20: After standing at my door, hand on the knob, I brave the bathroom and its ominous billboard sized mirror.
6 22: I brave the mirror, last night's clothes are off. My right hand passes over my left arm, starting at a long-healed scar on the wrist, past a few shallow recently healed ones further up. Over the one I made in the crook of my elbow, and gently over the ten leading up my shoulder. Those aren't near healed. My hand goes closer to my neck--the skin is more fragile here and tears easily. That's why the scars are 'softer'. They're only deeper and haven't healed completely. My hand goes down from my neck to my chest, over the cross shaped scar that passes over my heart.
6 25: I look at my body. Fat. Blobby. Jiggles. Disgusting. Failure.
6 26: I weigh myself. Up two pounds. Damn.
6 28: My clothes aren't loose. I have to unbutton my jeans to get them on. My shirt rides up.
6 30: Today is a makeup day. I straighten my short hair and put on some lipstick and a good necklace. Anything to take the attention away from my stomach.
6 35: I stay in my room and read.
7 15: I go to my closet, take out two cigarettes from my stash, and put them in my bag. I go downstairs and run in to my dad. "Have a good day" he says. I doubt it. I leave the house, and light up once I'm out of eye sight.
12:00: Flash forward to lunch. I skipped breakfast, and class was boring. No one at my table is eating yet. They wait for the lines to get smaller. I nibble on a piece of pear and talk a lot. I smash my apples into a kid's forehead next to me, because he touched my phone. A food fight ensues.
Class: English. My crush. My scars. Oh dear.
Home: I go to the computer. After a while I get up again, go up to my room to grab a cigarette, and smoke it outside. I go down to the dollar store, buy some ice cream. The whole time I'm saying, "this is a bad idea"
5:00: I eat the ice cream, poor some habanero sauce into last night's pasta and eat that too.
5:15: Purge. purge. purge.
5:45: done purging. Sister comes home. I get back on computer."
6 10: I am in my closet, close to tears because I know I've gained, I just know it.
6 15: My clothes are picked. A pretty shirt that used to be a bit loose, jeans that are usually quite loose, and a paper-thin see through jacket that will just barely cover up the scars from last night.
6 20: After standing at my door, hand on the knob, I brave the bathroom and its ominous billboard sized mirror.
6 22: I brave the mirror, last night's clothes are off. My right hand passes over my left arm, starting at a long-healed scar on the wrist, past a few shallow recently healed ones further up. Over the one I made in the crook of my elbow, and gently over the ten leading up my shoulder. Those aren't near healed. My hand goes closer to my neck--the skin is more fragile here and tears easily. That's why the scars are 'softer'. They're only deeper and haven't healed completely. My hand goes down from my neck to my chest, over the cross shaped scar that passes over my heart.
6 25: I look at my body. Fat. Blobby. Jiggles. Disgusting. Failure.
6 26: I weigh myself. Up two pounds. Damn.
6 28: My clothes aren't loose. I have to unbutton my jeans to get them on. My shirt rides up.
6 30: Today is a makeup day. I straighten my short hair and put on some lipstick and a good necklace. Anything to take the attention away from my stomach.
6 35: I stay in my room and read.
7 15: I go to my closet, take out two cigarettes from my stash, and put them in my bag. I go downstairs and run in to my dad. "Have a good day" he says. I doubt it. I leave the house, and light up once I'm out of eye sight.
12:00: Flash forward to lunch. I skipped breakfast, and class was boring. No one at my table is eating yet. They wait for the lines to get smaller. I nibble on a piece of pear and talk a lot. I smash my apples into a kid's forehead next to me, because he touched my phone. A food fight ensues.
Class: English. My crush. My scars. Oh dear.
Home: I go to the computer. After a while I get up again, go up to my room to grab a cigarette, and smoke it outside. I go down to the dollar store, buy some ice cream. The whole time I'm saying, "this is a bad idea"
5:00: I eat the ice cream, poor some habanero sauce into last night's pasta and eat that too.
5:15: Purge. purge. purge.
5:45: done purging. Sister comes home. I get back on computer."
Sunday, December 26, 2010
So.
14 followers, I might as well post, right?
This is what I'm thinking. I'm fat. I'm now, officially, 158 pounds. How did I allow it to get this bad? I'm not going to b/p. Thanks to dylphe for her inspiring message (and potent use of the word 'bitch'.)
I'm going to slyly cut down on what I eat. And if my parents give me grief about it? Well. What can they do?
It's so liberating for my eating disorder to not be a secret anymore. They know. so what? What are they going to do about it? Take away my phone? computer? Stop paying for college? kick me out? Anything for thin. I don't care.
Even if they throw me back into the hospital, I don't care. Although I need to lose at least 30 pounds before I go there. I clocked in at 115 when I left last time.
This is what I'm thinking. I'm fat. I'm now, officially, 158 pounds. How did I allow it to get this bad? I'm not going to b/p. Thanks to dylphe for her inspiring message (and potent use of the word 'bitch'.)
I'm going to slyly cut down on what I eat. And if my parents give me grief about it? Well. What can they do?
It's so liberating for my eating disorder to not be a secret anymore. They know. so what? What are they going to do about it? Take away my phone? computer? Stop paying for college? kick me out? Anything for thin. I don't care.
Even if they throw me back into the hospital, I don't care. Although I need to lose at least 30 pounds before I go there. I clocked in at 115 when I left last time.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
follow up
Alright, then. I survived. And I'm still fat. But instead of working so hard at recovery only to resort to mia later, I'm gonna go slightly ana so I feel a bit more control. I'm going to ease myself out of this disorder instead of trying to go cold turkey.
damn barrett's esophagus though...I hate it.
and thank you all for your kind comments. Dylphe, I love you. but nothing could have prevented it.
and portraying taylor, I totally understand.
damn barrett's esophagus though...I hate it.
and thank you all for your kind comments. Dylphe, I love you. but nothing could have prevented it.
and portraying taylor, I totally understand.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
so close to recovery
sloppy joes tonight. empty house. to purge, or not to purge?
fuck it.
Heart, I'm sorry in advance.
fuck it.
Heart, I'm sorry in advance.
Monday, December 13, 2010
turning dreams into goals
So. remember that dream future I posted before? I'm going to work at making that dream a reality.
In the future, I will look good in anything I wear. How? Confidence. I will love my body no matter what size it is.
My best outfit will be a purple blazer and black pants, about um....let's say $250 for a real fancy one?
and I can get away with wearing hand painted shoes that don't match. This one's easy. just plain old shoes and some paint. :)
I will know portion control and I will not purge or deny myself anything. these portion pals actually look interesting. I might try them out.
I will not smoke, hmm....well, for 30 days I will use the indoor treadmill instead of walking outside, so I have less chance of coming across a cigarette I want to smoke. Also, I have no school, so there will be no one I can bum off of.
and my favorite drink will be 0 calorie flavored water. mmm I love the third one here, wildberry splash. Delicious!
I will have a customized jeep. It'll be custom painted with my book art on it.
and at least three published books.
I will own my own practice,
along with the building that holds my offices.
I will use art therapy and learn a lot about my patients. because art therapy really helped me in the hospital.
I will be able to relate to my patients,
and I will make a big difference in the world.
I'll have a big house by the beach. Yeah, this is a hotel. I'm gonna buy a hotel and turn it into a house.
and a dog that doesn't shed.
I will only drink alcohol socially.
At the end of every year I will hold a banquet in my ballroom for my office staff and the group therapy patients.
I will come home at 6PM and work out for half an hour to an hour ONLY.
Oh, and money. I'll be a registered dietitian as well as a licensed therapist
And once a week I'll go to the beach and just...think, you know? Think about how far I've come and how proud I am of myself.
In the future, I will look good in anything I wear. How? Confidence. I will love my body no matter what size it is.
and at least three published books.
along with the building that holds my offices.
I will use art therapy and learn a lot about my patients. because art therapy really helped me in the hospital.
and I will make a big difference in the world.
I'll have a big house by the beach. Yeah, this is a hotel. I'm gonna buy a hotel and turn it into a house.
I will only drink alcohol socially.
At the end of every year I will hold a banquet in my ballroom for my office staff and the group therapy patients.
Oh, and money. I'll be a registered dietitian as well as a licensed therapist
And once a week I'll go to the beach and just...think, you know? Think about how far I've come and how proud I am of myself.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A happy post for dylphe.
Because she's so stressed out and needs some good news.
Things are finally starting to look up. I'm glad I'm in college, because the eight hours a day at high school would not have been good for me. Now I have time to work out at my own pace and meditate. My mother took me out to mcdonald's yesterday, but I'm glad I saved calories for dinner because I was still under my daily intake. *trying* to work out using various wheeled objects helped too. I fell on my ass so much I decided walking is just fine for me.
I'm at school right now waiting for the dean to approve my form so I can skip the last remedial english class and go straight into something that will count towards my degree.
And good news! I managed to get my schedule so I have an AA instead of an AS. That means easier math and science for me! And I don't have to face pre cal EVER again.
yesterday I was feeling hungry. like actual hunger, but instead of binging like I normally would, I had a tomato and my hunger was sated. I'm so proud of myself. :)
The bittersweet news is I got my period. It's good because it explains the cramps and shit I was feeling yesterday, but bad because there's no such thing as a happy period. screw the always ads.
mmm I don't think there's anything else. But I'll check in again if there is.
Things are finally starting to look up. I'm glad I'm in college, because the eight hours a day at high school would not have been good for me. Now I have time to work out at my own pace and meditate. My mother took me out to mcdonald's yesterday, but I'm glad I saved calories for dinner because I was still under my daily intake. *trying* to work out using various wheeled objects helped too. I fell on my ass so much I decided walking is just fine for me.
I'm at school right now waiting for the dean to approve my form so I can skip the last remedial english class and go straight into something that will count towards my degree.
And good news! I managed to get my schedule so I have an AA instead of an AS. That means easier math and science for me! And I don't have to face pre cal EVER again.
yesterday I was feeling hungry. like actual hunger, but instead of binging like I normally would, I had a tomato and my hunger was sated. I'm so proud of myself. :)
The bittersweet news is I got my period. It's good because it explains the cramps and shit I was feeling yesterday, but bad because there's no such thing as a happy period. screw the always ads.
mmm I don't think there's anything else. But I'll check in again if there is.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
confessions of a reformed bulimic
So many posts ago I posted a rough story of my past, of how I got here. This is where I am now.
When I got out the hospital, I had an heart complications, low potassium, and barrett's esophagus. After I was well again and in recovery, I relapsed. My very first purge my body went into freak out mode. My heart immediately started going irregular and I couldn't stop shaking. And now I'm scared to death of being sick because my body can't tell the difference between a purge and being unintentionally sick.
The next time I throw up, I could die.
It kinda scares me. Only because I'm no longer suicidal and I've actually made some friends here and in real life that might care if I die.
Oh, and by the way, read Dylphe's blog. It's awesome and she's a really good friend.
When I got out the hospital, I had an heart complications, low potassium, and barrett's esophagus. After I was well again and in recovery, I relapsed. My very first purge my body went into freak out mode. My heart immediately started going irregular and I couldn't stop shaking. And now I'm scared to death of being sick because my body can't tell the difference between a purge and being unintentionally sick.
The next time I throw up, I could die.
It kinda scares me. Only because I'm no longer suicidal and I've actually made some friends here and in real life that might care if I die.
Oh, and by the way, read Dylphe's blog. It's awesome and she's a really good friend.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Reply to comments
dearest dylphe: Awwh, you're so sweet! It's nice to know someone cares about my safety.
dear anonymous: There are copays in america. my therapy, which would be 165 an hour, is actually about 20 dollars with a copay. That, along with my insurance matching what I pay once I meet a certain amount spent. For the last seven sessions, I have had to pay nothing for my therapy.
dear anonymous: There are copays in america. my therapy, which would be 165 an hour, is actually about 20 dollars with a copay. That, along with my insurance matching what I pay once I meet a certain amount spent. For the last seven sessions, I have had to pay nothing for my therapy.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
dreams of the future and dear blanks.
So lately, every night before I go to bed I imagine what the perfect future for me would be. It makes me smile. So when I have a bad day or pms or bdd, I just imagine the perfect future and everything seems a bit better.
So here it is.
In the future, I will look good in anything I wear. Even if I look like that fat chick from drop dead gorgeous, I will rock that look. My best outfit will be a purple blazer and black pants, and I can get away with wearing hand painted shoes that don't match. I will know portion control and I will not purge or deny myself anything. I will not smoke, and my favorite drink will be 0 calorie flavored water.
I will have a customized jeep and at least three published books. I will own my own practice, along with the building that holds my offices. I will use art therapy and learn a lot about my patients.
I will be able to relate to my patients, and I will make a big difference in the world.
I'll have a big house by the beach and a dog that doesn't shed. I will only drink alcohol socially. At the end of every year I will hold a banquet in my ballroom for my office staff and the group therapy patients.
I will come home at 6PM and work out for half an hour to an hour ONLY.
Oh, and money. I'll be a registered dietitian as well as a licensed therapist so I'll charge about 200 dollars an hour. working from 8 to 5:30, that's...1600 a day! Take out about 300 to pay my nurses. But still, that's pretty awesome.
And once a week I'll go to the beach and just...think, you know? Think about how far I've come and how proud I am of myself.
What's your dream future?
Oh and dear blanks! A couple of my favorites:
Sincerely, Rejected.
Sincerely, an American Muslim.
Sincerely, the Mayans.
Sincerely, your lazy daughter.
Sincerely, Terrified.
Sincerely, your OCD student.
So here it is.
In the future, I will look good in anything I wear. Even if I look like that fat chick from drop dead gorgeous, I will rock that look. My best outfit will be a purple blazer and black pants, and I can get away with wearing hand painted shoes that don't match. I will know portion control and I will not purge or deny myself anything. I will not smoke, and my favorite drink will be 0 calorie flavored water.
I will have a customized jeep and at least three published books. I will own my own practice, along with the building that holds my offices. I will use art therapy and learn a lot about my patients.
I will be able to relate to my patients, and I will make a big difference in the world.
I'll have a big house by the beach and a dog that doesn't shed. I will only drink alcohol socially. At the end of every year I will hold a banquet in my ballroom for my office staff and the group therapy patients.
I will come home at 6PM and work out for half an hour to an hour ONLY.
Oh, and money. I'll be a registered dietitian as well as a licensed therapist so I'll charge about 200 dollars an hour. working from 8 to 5:30, that's...1600 a day! Take out about 300 to pay my nurses. But still, that's pretty awesome.
And once a week I'll go to the beach and just...think, you know? Think about how far I've come and how proud I am of myself.
What's your dream future?
Oh and dear blanks! A couple of my favorites:
Dear Stanford,
That's OK. I like Community College better anyway... :(
Dear Crazy People,
I'm not going to blow this grocery store up, I just need some salad.
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy...
Dear dad,
It's not 'disobedience,' it's 'delayed obedience.'
Dear giant spider on my wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Dear teacher who is erasing the board,
You missed a spot!
So. 25 truths.
math is stupid.
I'm fat.
Taylor swift is awesome.
everyone looks better than I do.
don't worry, the next post will be happier.
diet dr. pepper is the best.
even better is flavored 0 calorie water, which doesn't expand your stomach.
the person I love has major depression and refuses to get help.
I'm very proud of my published book, and I'm working on getting another published.
psychology is going great!
Math...not so much.
History is so-so.
English should be fine.
I have tons of homework to do.
Donuts will be the death of me.
I like old country better.
Like Kerosene, vs. House that made me.
Or You Save me vs. Boys of Fall.
I wonder how Reba manages to stay looking so good.
Seriously, she's never been fat.
I'm a sucker for redheads.
I want a girlfriend.
Like, right now. I want someone to love.
Oh! And I stopped prostituting.
Thanksgiving was fine, but christmas scares the bejeezus out of me.
I'm fat.
Taylor swift is awesome.
everyone looks better than I do.
don't worry, the next post will be happier.
diet dr. pepper is the best.
even better is flavored 0 calorie water, which doesn't expand your stomach.
the person I love has major depression and refuses to get help.
I'm very proud of my published book, and I'm working on getting another published.
psychology is going great!
Math...not so much.
History is so-so.
English should be fine.
I have tons of homework to do.
Donuts will be the death of me.
I like old country better.
Like Kerosene, vs. House that made me.
Or You Save me vs. Boys of Fall.
I wonder how Reba manages to stay looking so good.
Seriously, she's never been fat.
I'm a sucker for redheads.
I want a girlfriend.
Like, right now. I want someone to love.
Oh! And I stopped prostituting.
Thanksgiving was fine, but christmas scares the bejeezus out of me.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
alright.
At some point, I've got to do homework. But it's saturday and I'm getting the college version of senior-itis. Recovery is still wonderful and lovely and the best choice anyone can make, but I'm gonna lose a little bit of weight. just a bit. here's how:
I have a whiteboard on my wall that says "149.8: fatass." and next to that, a corkboard with the following chart.
date..................weight...............reward...............................................................difference
11-17-10..........152..................none...................................................................0 pounds
11-24-10..........150..................diet dr. pepper....................................................-2 lbs
12-10-10..........145.................new library book..................................................-7 lbs
12-27-10..........140.................new bracelet........................................................-12 lbs
01-12-11..........135 ................from "fatass" to "fat".............................................-17 lbs
01-29-11..........130.................Stop prostituting..................................................-22 lbs
02-14-11..........125.................from "fat" to "chubby"..........................................-27 lbs
03-03-11..........120.................wear old clothes that are too small right now........-32 lbs
03-21-11..........115................from "chubby" to "better"......................................-37 lbs
04-07-11..........112................wear the smaller old clothes..................................-40 lbs
04-25-11..........108................from "better" to "good".........................................-44 lbs
05-12-11..........105................go swimming in public pool...................................-47 lbs
05-30-11..........100................from "good" to "perfect"........................................-52 lbs
I'm also gonna cut down on the carbonated drinks. they only expand your stomach. I'll only have one and that'll be when I buy my diet dr. pepper for my under 150 reward. And I'd really like to go swimming, so that'll be great inspiration.
I have a whiteboard on my wall that says "149.8: fatass." and next to that, a corkboard with the following chart.
date..................weight...............reward...............................................................difference
11-17-10..........152..................none...................................................................0 pounds
11-24-10..........150..................diet dr. pepper....................................................-2 lbs
12-10-10..........145.................new library book..................................................-7 lbs
12-27-10..........140.................new bracelet........................................................-12 lbs
01-12-11..........135 ................from "fatass" to "fat".............................................-17 lbs
01-29-11..........130.................Stop prostituting..................................................-22 lbs
02-14-11..........125.................from "fat" to "chubby"..........................................-27 lbs
03-03-11..........120.................wear old clothes that are too small right now........-32 lbs
03-21-11..........115................from "chubby" to "better"......................................-37 lbs
04-07-11..........112................wear the smaller old clothes..................................-40 lbs
04-25-11..........108................from "better" to "good".........................................-44 lbs
05-12-11..........105................go swimming in public pool...................................-47 lbs
05-30-11..........100................from "good" to "perfect"........................................-52 lbs
I'm also gonna cut down on the carbonated drinks. they only expand your stomach. I'll only have one and that'll be when I buy my diet dr. pepper for my under 150 reward. And I'd really like to go swimming, so that'll be great inspiration.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I'm SO sorry!!!!
I just barely tweeted and looked at my @mentions. Then I saw a post from the lovely Dylphe and thought "Oh holy crap! I forgot about blogger!"
So here I am, again. Math is still kicking my butt, but I'm pro-recovery now!
That said, I'm on a mission to lose at least 40-50 pounds..... >_>
Buuuut no matter. I'm back and will start commenting on your gorgeous blogs soon.
So here I am, again. Math is still kicking my butt, but I'm pro-recovery now!
That said, I'm on a mission to lose at least 40-50 pounds..... >_>
Buuuut no matter. I'm back and will start commenting on your gorgeous blogs soon.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I'm finding this all a little pointless
I'm fat. and I guess I've been "cured" enough so that I just can't do it anymore. on the plus side, I'm kinda-sorta-not-really quitting cigarettes. at the very least, I seriously contemplate if I NEED one every time I smoke. I'm up to about 12 hours without smoking.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I don't want to break my scale...
...So I'm not weighing myself. But I am FAT. looking at all my old pictures makes me want to cry. I didn't see how thin I was then, but I see it now. I want to be thin again! At least, I don't want to be this fat. I'd be happy with just 120, not even 108 like I was before. If you all want my twitter, it's pro_ana_tina. Dylphe has already graciously added me. I don't post much lately, but if you go WAY back to the beginning, it's pretty interesting.
speaking of Dylphe...she hasn't posted lately. :( I know that's pot calling the kettle black, but I worry about these things.
I gotta start class now, I guess. So see you later!
speaking of Dylphe...she hasn't posted lately. :( I know that's pot calling the kettle black, but I worry about these things.
I gotta start class now, I guess. So see you later!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
more pics of me--mostly pre recovery
Using a Sari to show my friend what a hijab is. XD
I look good with red hair!
not so much with blonde...
pre recovery
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
name one person that you really miss
Jazz. For those of you who don't know, Jasmine was my girlfriend until we got into a fight, and she went out and got wasted and died in a car accident. It's been a little over a year now, and I still want her back.
if you had one wish what would it be
I wish to be confident, and beautiful, and loved. I wish to be skinny and dying and the center of attention and a great doctor and famous and rich. But if I only had one wish? I'd wish that my little sister have everything she wanted in life.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I was wondering why I didn't have any comments....
....then I realized I haven't posted. Sorry!
So the guy I prostituted with got mad cause he went all stalker on me and found this blog. Oh well. And THEN I told my therapist and she told me I had a 'pact' with her to not do it again. This is what I said:
"You do realize I've broken just about every pact we've had so far, right?"
She went on about how I need to find a girl/guy my age and just go out for coffee or something. What the hell? And also how I haven't ever had a real relationship and maybe, if I have one I wouldn't be so messed up.
Well, for that to happen, it would require someone to LOVE ME. And I, in turn, would have to LOVE THEM BACK. I don't see any possibilities for either of those happening.
On the eating front: Without my double life, I have anxiety again. I realize once again that I'm horribly fat and should stop eating until I die. Sigh. I'll post more later, I promise, but right now I'm depressed because my psychiatrist reminded me that I am unworthy of real love.
So the guy I prostituted with got mad cause he went all stalker on me and found this blog. Oh well. And THEN I told my therapist and she told me I had a 'pact' with her to not do it again. This is what I said:
"You do realize I've broken just about every pact we've had so far, right?"
She went on about how I need to find a girl/guy my age and just go out for coffee or something. What the hell? And also how I haven't ever had a real relationship and maybe, if I have one I wouldn't be so messed up.
Well, for that to happen, it would require someone to LOVE ME. And I, in turn, would have to LOVE THEM BACK. I don't see any possibilities for either of those happening.
On the eating front: Without my double life, I have anxiety again. I realize once again that I'm horribly fat and should stop eating until I die. Sigh. I'll post more later, I promise, but right now I'm depressed because my psychiatrist reminded me that I am unworthy of real love.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
My book
is available, apparantly, in europe. huh. Who would have thought? This isn't the recovery one I may have talked about, but a teen novel that more or less lightly touched on anorexia. Just thought I'd check in with that.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
results
So I actually made $150 for just a blow job. He's kinda small, which I can handle. I mean, I wasn't choking on it or anything. And I don't have to see him for another two or three weeks, so I have a chance to prepare myself for ACTUAL sex.
Anyway...what should I buy with my new cash? I'm thinking save it up for another year of college.
Anyway...what should I buy with my new cash? I'm thinking save it up for another year of college.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
real life thinspo and reverse thinspo
So I'm meeting my client today, but I'm on my period so only oral for him. It's about fifty dollars and maybe a free lunch. It's cool how since this started I don't freak out about eating. I still weigh and measure myself every day, but it's good to know some people (even old married men) find me 'sexy'.
Thank you all for the comments. And anonymous, I have considered an escort agency, but there aren't any in el paso.
To all the others: Thank you for caring about me so much. I love you guys. Now on to my actual post.
Thank you all for the comments. And anonymous, I have considered an escort agency, but there aren't any in el paso.
To all the others: Thank you for caring about me so much. I love you guys. Now on to my actual post.
^ My friend brittany
Some chick waiting for the bus
haha from my text book
A family of four consumes about three hundred pounds of fat in a year. Enough for this guy to make a big ass pig!
^ taylor swift
^ megan fox
^ heidi klum
^ a girl leaving the class before mine started
^ aguy in my english class
fat chick on the bus
YOUNG fat chick on the bus
people leaving the library
a girl I saw while waiting for the bus. There's another that you can see all her bones, but I keep missing her and she moves too fast for a picture.
wow. lots of fat people take the bus, huh?
girl at the transfer station
This chick just wouldn't stop eating! Seriously? It was disgusting!
me. :/
and finally, a chick so fat she needs a wheelchair.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
news from the prostitute
So I have, officially, a "sugar daddy". He's coming in tomorrow to see me and take me out to lunch. I'm going to make a wishlist of things he can buy me. I'll see about getting an "allowance", and hey. If it doesn't work out? I'll find another one.
I love this! I'm feeling WAY more confident in my body now.
The downside: He's, like, 48 years old. A cute, sweet, family (yes, he's married) kind of 48, but still....what do you guys think? Should I go on?
I love this! I'm feeling WAY more confident in my body now.
The downside: He's, like, 48 years old. A cute, sweet, family (yes, he's married) kind of 48, but still....what do you guys think? Should I go on?
Monday, October 11, 2010
flashbacks
I hate remembering. I hate feeling like, if I had just stayed away from him, if I had just taken the sexual harassment as a warning, maybe it wouldn't have happened.
Maybe if I had called the police, he would be suffering like I want him to.
I remember the sound of the truck doors locking. the little secluded place in the desert where no one could hear or see me. The clothes I can't stand to wear.
The screaming. God, the screaming. Not him, me. And when I screamed too loud or too long, the choking. The ripping of tights, that SMELL.
I hate remembering. God, please let me starve away all my memories.
Maybe if I had called the police, he would be suffering like I want him to.
I remember the sound of the truck doors locking. the little secluded place in the desert where no one could hear or see me. The clothes I can't stand to wear.
The screaming. God, the screaming. Not him, me. And when I screamed too loud or too long, the choking. The ripping of tights, that SMELL.
I hate remembering. God, please let me starve away all my memories.
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